Time. It’s a funny concept isn’t? Lately it feels like there is never enough time. Never enough time to spend with my child. Never enough time to get all of my work responsibilities done. Never enough quality time with my partner. And now with the added burden of remaining distanced with Covid concerns, time seems even more elusive because it is slipping away with time not spent with family and friends. The time I use to have to train and dance and workout – all in pursuit of being a better pole dancer – is completely gone. This past weekend I took a three day instructor training certification, something I have wanted to do for the last couple years. But the time I needed was never there. Even while I was taking that training, feeling wonderful to learn and train and have time dedicated to something i love to do, I also felt guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t working on responding to students emails. Guilt that I left my child at home and wasn’t going to be able to see much of her that weekend, guilt that I had a million chores to do around the house that were going undone. This concept of time and guilt seem to go hand in hand as I get older.
I have to keep telling myself that I need more. I need that time to be me. Even for just a moment. My child was completely fine this last weekend. She wanted to see what I had learned and we spent some quality time just talking and reading and eating together that evening. I probably wouldn’t have had that much time dedicated to her if I had been home all day. Being a parent comes racked with guilt, but I have always made it a priority to do something outside of being a parent. I have valued my identity beyond the labels of parent, spouse, and co-worker. And even though I am not perfect at this, the time I intentionally set aside (while it will always come with some of amount of guilt), that time is important. It reminds me of the fact that I am feminine, I am strong, I am sexual. Sometimes, I am the only one that tells me that I am these things. I have to be my biggest advocate. And time is moving forward.
So, what are you doing for you? What are you making time for?