A topic I have been marinating on for at least a few years now, the cultural ideation that we put the comfort and needs of others ahead of our own. From managing households to excelling in careers, and nurturing relationships, self-sacrifice has become an expectation. While I naturally gravitate to the role of care giver and find significant joy in caring and showing love to my family, friends, and community, it often leads to a detrimental habit of neglecting my own well-being. And this comes with a great cost.
**Understanding the Self-Sacrifice Culture**
This internal and cultural expectation of giving so wholly of myself can manifest in various forms, from being the primary caregiver at home to taking on all the emotional labor in relationships and workplaces. I find significant joy and fulfillment in these roles, but they can also lead to exhaustion and burnout i
as the cost of my needs being neglected.
**The Myth of Self-Care as a Luxury**
What is self care? Advertising will have you think it’s getting a manicure, taking a vacation, going shopping. And while all of these things have the ability to provide relaxation, reprieve, joy, and the almighty desirable serotonin hit, these things require expendable resources. Does this mean self care is only for those that have the ability to spend money? Is self care really about luxury?
Self-care is often misconstrued as indulgence rather than a necessity. This misconception perpetuates the idea that prioritizing ourselves is selfish or extravagant and leaves out those that are unable or unwilling to participate in these marketed, designated self care activities. In reality, self-care encompasses fundamental practices that sustain our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Whether it’s setting aside time for rest, engaging in hobbies, or seeking support from others, these actions are crucial for maintaining resilience and vitality.
For me, this practice encompasses three things:
- Therapy. Holy cow, can I get a hallelujah for therapy? This is the least relaxing, least joyous thing I could possibly do for myself, but God Damn is it impactful.
- Being in nature, and specifically around water. I’ve come to have this almost reverential respect for water. The sound of waves, the feel of the water on my feet, the beauty of the sun glistening off the surface. True story, when I was as younger I had a medical incident where my heart rate was racing and I was having difficulty catching my breath. I remembered reading something in health class about bio-feedback. The concept that our mind can have influence over our biological responses. I started visualizing waterfalls and it immediately had an impact on slowing my heart and breath. It has become a habit to think about waterfalls anytime I get my blood pressure taken.
- Dance. I own f’ing dance studio. It would be hella inconvenient if dance did not bring me joy. But we already established self care isn’t always about being happy. Dance allows me to disengage while connecting with myself. I can move exactly how I need to move. And sure we can talk about how dance is physical activity, creating endorphins and all that. But dance for me is so much more than just physical activity. It’s my body recognizing and honoring the emotional and spiritual in a physical way. It’s a visible representation of our souls.
**Challenging the Inconvenience of Self-Care**
What gets in the way of self-care? Too many things to list here, but one I want to focus on is how caring for ourselves can seem like a really inconvenience to others.
“You need to set boundaries meaning I can’t have access to you in a way that I want? That’s selfish and mean.”
“You need me to watch the kids so you can take a yoga class? I’m too tired to baby sit.”
“You leave your kid to go take a dance class where you dance like hoe? (Yes, someone said this to me once)”
Self care can seem really inconvenient to those around us and to ourselves. We may feel guilty for taking time away from our responsibilities or worry about how others perceive our actions.
And can we dispense with this self care bullshit. It’s become an overly monetized overly marketed phrase anyway. This is about intentional action to bring the same level of energy to caring for myself that I do for everyone around me.
So why should we rock the boat? Well there is the old mantra of an empty pitcher can’t fill up a cup. But that still feels like a play at the patriarchal ideology of you needing to give of yourself to others so, yeah, sure, do things for you too if that means I can continue to take advantage of your emotional labor.
I look at this a bit more simplistically. I have this one life only. I’m 40, perimenopausal, my kid is about to go through puberty. I got this one life and I can’t keep just white-knuckling through life. By replenishing our own energy and resources, I become more knowledgeable about myself, and what brings me peace, what sparks joy, and what ignites my passion. And that is the most empowering thing I could ever do for myself.
Challenge the narrative that prioritizing ourselves is optional or selfish. Honor what you need.